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Here is a collection of jokes from the newsletter. Have a read and hold your sides! Oh and if you fancy getting these to your inbox everyweek sign up to the planet science newsletter.
There are some symbols to guide you through the jokes in the collection:
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Joke set in a pub or bar |
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Joke requiring specialized science knowledge (so there won’t be many of these icons) |
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Slightly suggestive joke, Matron! |
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A terrible groaner (as opposed to all the others which are just groaners) |
so without further ado, Ladies and Gentlemen we are proud (what?) to present…
THE PLANET SCIENCE NEWSLETTER JOKE OF THE WEEK COLLECTION
 LET’S GET PHYSICAL
Q. Where does bad light end up?
A. In prism.
Q. What happens when you cut a prism in half?
A. All the prismers escape!
Q. How do you see through pressurized glass?
A. Press your eyes against it! (Hint: it's all in the delivery)
Q. Why did Mr Ohm marry Mrs Ohm?
A. Because he couldn't resistor...
Absolute zero rules OK
A jump lead walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bar tender says "Ok, but don't start anything”
Why are scientists no good at telling jokes timing
Well what about the mature student having trouble with weight and mass? He couldn't tell his old tons from his Newtons ...
A man’s driving down the road behind an 18-wheeler. At every red light, the truck-driver gets out of his cab, runs back and bangs on the truck door. After seeing this at several sets of lights in a row, the car driver follows him until he pulls into a parking lot. When they’ve both come to a stop the truck driver once again jumps out, runs to the back and starts banging on the truck door.
The motorist goes up to him and says, "I don’t mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"
To which the truck-driver replies, "Sorry mate, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."
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Q. ‘What do Australian mathematical physicists drink?'
A. 'Castlemaine d/dx 2x squared +c' of course! |
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop.
The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."
Q. What's an ohm?
A. It's where a watt lives!!
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From way down in my cranium,
This prediction I will make:
That if you eat uranium,
You'll get atomic ache.
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Heisenberg must have been contemplating his love life when he discovered the Uncertainty Principle: When he had the time, he didn't have the energy.
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A man goes into a shop.
Man: I'd like a packet of helicopter flavour crisps please.
Shopkeeper: Sorry, I've only got plain.
Einstein's Theory of Junkfood
E = MC (Donald's)
Einstein's Theory of Boybands
E = MC (Fly)
Einstein's Theory of Rappers
E = MC (Hammer)
Einstein's Theory of Music
E = F (flat)
Einstein's theory of cricket
E = MC (C)
Einstein's theory of parks
E = MC (Arthur)
Einsteins's Theory of Theatre
E = MC (Beth)
Einstein's Theory of Biscuits
E = MC (Vities)
Einstein's Theory of Tessellating Patterns
E = MC (Escher)
Einstein's Theory of Pastoral Farming
E = MC (Donald)
Einstein's Theory of Motor Racing
E = MC (Laren)
Einstein's theory of raining computers
E = MC (intosh)
Einstein's theory of bright coloured birds
E = MC (aws)
Einstein's theory of oily fish
E = MC (eral)
Q. How do you know if you're being approached by the Quantum Mafia?
A. They make you an offer you can't understand!
A physics professor at a state university in Michigan was famous for his animated lectures. He was short and thin with wild white hair and an excited expression. In lecture he would throw himself from the top of desks and throw frisbees to students in the back row to illustrate various principles.
One day in class he was spinning on an office chair holding weights in each hand when he lost his balance and tumbled into the first row. He apologized to his class for going off on a tangent.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snake with a Physicist?
A: A Bohr Constrictor.
 LET’S GET CHEMICAL
Q. What is Ba(na)2?
A. A banana.
Q. What do you do when you find a dead chemist?
A. Barium
Q. Why do gas molecules like to look into your window at night?
A. Because they're PVnRT'ed. (pronounce: pivnerted)
Q. What is the purpose of a Doctor?
A. Helium
Q. What do you do with a dead chemist?
A. Barium
Q. What happens when electrons lose their energy?
A. THey get Bohr'd
Q. What's the difference between chemistry and cooking?
A. In chemistry you should never lick the spoon
In the world of chemicals, a constant battle rages between the chemical supervillains and the chemical secret agents. The most esteemed of these is one (OO)7, international dyeing agent of mystery.
On one particularly hairy mission, he finds himself pitted against the evil genius of lore, Dr. Nitrogen Monoxide, who has set a devious trap in the form of an ordinary piece of white cloth.
After plummeting through a cleverly placed mechanosensitive membrane protein, (OO)7 is shocked to find himself soaking in to a tightly bound mesh of cotton fibers. (He is, after all, a dyeing agent !)
In desperation, he calls to his nemesis, "Do you expect me to talk, NO?" The villain only chuckles maniacally.
"No Mr Dye, I expect you to bond."
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I watched my dog drinking the other day. It went in as H2O and come out as K9P !!!
OK. Four students are studying organic chemistry at university. They do so well on all the coursework that year that each is predicted to get an 'A' overall.
They’re so confident that even with an exam on Monday morning, they can’t resist driving down to the south coast for the weekend to party with some friends of theirs.
They have a great time. However, after all the partying, they sleep all day Sunday and don't make it back to town until early Monday morning...
They’re too late to take the exam, so decide to find their course leader after the exam and explain that they missed it because they'd all gone home to study intensively for the weekend, and on the way back they'd had a flat tyre, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. Hence, have only just got back.
The course leader thinks it over and then agrees they can take the exam the following day.
The four are elated and relieved. They study hard that night, all night, and go in the next day at the designated time.
They’re each shown to separate rooms, handed a test booklet and told to begin.
The first problem is worth 5%. It’s a simple question concerned free radical formation.
'Cool', thought each student in their separate exam rooms, 'this is going to be easy...'
Each finishes the problem and turns to the next page.
Where it says…
"Question 2 (for 95%): Which tyre?"
A class opening their chemistry exam found the following question, “If H20 is water, what is H204?"
This was a quick question for most, but it took the student some thinking time.
Finally, he wrote down his answer: "For drinking, washing, and cleaning."
The next element to be discovered - has got to be Nellie!"
A person walks into a bar and asks for a pint of adenosine triphosphate.
The barman replies, "that'll be 80p "!!!!!
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Q. Where does Mercury come from?
A. Hg Wells
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Two hydrogen atoms are having a drink.
”Cripes!" says the first one, "I've lost an electron"
"Are you sure?" asked the second one,
"Yes I'm positive!"
A neutron goes into the pub and asks for a pint of beer.
"How much is that?" he asks.
The barman replies ...."For you, no charge." |
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Science teacher: "Gary, do you know what copper nitrate is? "
Gary: "Yes sir, it's what they pay policemen on nightshift ! "
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson are walking past a bush covered in lead, copper , silver, gold and lots of other chemicals.
"What is this?" says Dr. Watson.
Holmes replies "It's an element tree my dear Watson"
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Q: What happened to the guy who poured sodium hypochlorite over a catholic minister?
A: He was charged with a bleach of the priest!
 LET’S GET BIOLOGICAL
"A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The bus driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Beautician: Did that mud pack I gave you for your wife improve her appearance?
Man: It did for a while - then it fell off!
Q. Can you name two crustaceans found in London?
A. Kings Crustacean and Charing Crustacean.
(joke later updated to three crustaceans with St Pan Crustacean!)
A frog goes to a fortune teller for find out what the future holds for him.
"Aha..." says the fortune teller, looking into her crystal ball, "you are going to meet a beautiful young human girl, who will want to know all about you..."
"FANTASTIC!" croaks the frog, "Where will I meet her? At a party or what?"
"No, stupid, in a biology class!"
While driving down a steep and curvy logging road, a biology field crew lose control of their 4-wheel drive and career down the hill. The truck smashes up at the bottom of the canyon, and everyone aboard perishes. Suprisingly, they all go to heaven. At an orientation they are asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning about your death, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy, a well known botanist says, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest botanists of my time, and left an eternal contribution to the botanical world."
The second guy, an ornithologist, says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful birder and made a huge difference in the recovery of our bird populations."
The last guy, a scruffy mammalogist, replies, "I would like to hear them say...... "LOOK, HE'S MOVING! ! ! ! !"
Q. What is a streptotrap?
A. Something you catch streptomycin.
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Ok, so this guy was lonely and he decides life would be more fun if he had pet. So he goes to the petshop and asks for an unusual pet. He comes home with a centipede in a little white box.
Wanting to cement the relationship, he asks the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to my mate Frank's with me and have a beer?"
There's no answer from his new pet. This bothers him, but he waits a few minutes and then asks again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
Again, there's no answer from his new friend/pet.
He waits a few moments more, thinking about the situation. He decides to ask him one more; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME??"
A little voice comes out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm just putting my shoes on..."
A Polar Bear walks into a pub and says to the barman,
"I'll have .......... er ........... um .......... hmmmm ........... um .......... a pint of lager please"
The Barman say "Why the big pause?"
With a puzzled look on his face, the Polar Bear looks as his paws and says "I can't help it, I'm a Polar Bear!"
"A panda walks into a restaurant and asks for a table. The manager says "We don't serve pandas." But when the panda shows him he has money, he lets him sit down. When his meal comes, he eats it really fast and then pulls out a gun and shoots the piano player. After that he just gets up and walks away without paying. The manager comes running after him and says "Hey you can't do that" and the panda says "Yes I can - check the encyclopedia" so the manager checks it he finds 'Panda' and reads "Panda eats shoots and leaves."
Receptionist: Doctor, there's an invisible dinosaur in the waiting room.
Doctor: Tell her I can't see him!
Q. What do you call a fossil that doesn't ever want to work?
A. Lazy bones!
Q. Why did Mrs Gren leave her husband?
A. He wasn't very sensitive!
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A woman goes along to a Florida lemon-grower and asks for a job. The owner says, “I’m sorry, but I think you may not be qualified for this job. I mean have you ever picked lemons before?”
“I should say so,” she replies, “I’ve been divorced three times.”
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Q. What do you call a biologist who's afraid of little glass dishes?
A. Petrified!
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A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife. "I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to do this?"she writes. The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies, "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the gold."
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife: "You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the back garden."
The prisoner smiles knowingly to himself, and writes back: "Dear Wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
Q. What's the difference between pea green paint and cha cha cha?
A. Anyone can cha cha cha.
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Q. What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
A. Jurassic Pork
What do you get if you cross Planet Science Newsletter Readers with an old format for a joke?...
Q) What do you get when you cross a hen and a science kit?
A) An egg-speriment!
Q) What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with fireworks?
A) Dino-mite!
Q) What do you get when you cross a chicken with a cement mixer
A) A brick layer!
Q) What do you get if you cross an elk with a cocoa bean?
A) A chocolate mousse
Q) What do you get if you cross a hyena with a crocodile?
A) I don't know, but when he laughs, you'd better join in.
What did the male bacteria say to the female bacteria?
Who needs biology when we have chemistry. |
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Why did the bacteria fail the maths test?
He thought multiplication was the same as division.
Q) Why do cell biologists always go to the doctor?
A) They’re mitochondriacs.
Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.
A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists at a meeting on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.
“My fellow scientists,” he began.
Before he could utter another word, the clone jumped up and shouted, “he’s a *&^^%*@)&!”.
Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, “My fellow scientists …”
Again the clone sprang to his feet. He yelled, “This dumb *%@(&+*! couldn’t produce a copy on a Xerox. He’s a fraudulent *$3%$#*#+=!”
Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out the window. The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room.
A short while later New York’s finest arrived and the events that had transpired were explained to them.
The police lieutenant said to the scientist, “We are going to have to arrest you.”
“For what? You can’t arrest me for killing my own clone!” The attending scientists nodded in agreement.
The lieutenant thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for … Making an Obscene Clone Fall.
 OI! YOU AT THE BACK!
Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
It was the last week of term and the biology class had just one more exam. If they didn’t pass this, they would not be able to graduate. Needless to say, they had spent weeks revising. The day of the exam arrived and they were more than ready for the test.
The examiner pulled out a chart, and on it were different pictures of bird's legs. He said, "This is your exam. Name these birds by their legs."
After ten minutes one student stood up, absolutely furious, and slammed the paper down on the teachers desk. "Dammit!" he shouted, "You knew I needed to pass this exam to graduate. How could you do this to me?" He began walking out the room but the teacher came after him, yelling, "Hey you, what's your name?"
The student pulled up his trousers, revealing his legs, and said, "I don't know sir. You tell me."
A postgraduate student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the postgraduate student, "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc, "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the genie says to the professor.
The professor replies, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."
Q. What exams do older horses take?
A. Hay levels
Q. What exams do younger horses take?
A. GGCSEs
A teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fitted under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest class in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
A little boy worrying through his very first day at school raised his hand for permission to go to the toilet. The boy then returned to the class a few moments later to report that he couldn't find it. Dispatched a second time with explicit directions, he still couldn't find it. So this time the teacher asked a slightly older boy to act as a guide. Success crowned his efforts. "We finally found it," the older boy told the teacher. "He had his pants on backwards!"
Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!
Teacher: When you yawn, you're supposed to put your hand to your mouth!
Pupil: What? And get bitten?!
Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
Pupil (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to
school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!
Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you?
Pupil: Not very much!
"I recently asked my year 6 class to undertake last year’s National Test in Science so I could assess what areas we really needed to work on. I marked all the papers and was generally quite pleased with what I saw. One paper though had me in stitches. Paper B question 4a: Some children draw a food chain about living things they see in the garden. There is a mistake in the food chain. The answer was: Caterpillars aren't in a lot of gardens so it is very unlikely one could eat a whole cabbage".
Two pupils, Sarah and Avril were battling it out to win the coveted Top Brain of Science end-of-year school prize. Their exam results were identical, so to work out which one should get the award, the head teacher asked them each to do a written test.
Both did well, missing out only one question, but at the end of the day, the head took Avril aside and said, "Well done on your high marks throughout the year, but I'm afraid we've decided to give the prize to Sarah."
"How come?" she asked petulantly, "You said we both got 9 questions correct."
"That's right," he replied, "But we have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
"How come??" she asked, jutting her chin out in readiness for an argument.
"Because Sarah wrote for question 5, "I don't know", which is fair enough, while you put down, "Neither do I.'"
"Vernon, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Vernon, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted the boy. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"
Teacher: Can people predict the future with cards?
Pupil: My mother can.
Teacher: Really?
Pupil: Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.
Teacher: What came after the Stone Age and the Bronze Age?
Pupil: The Sausage!
Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to?
Pupil: Nobody I know!
Teacher: How much is half of 8?
Pupil: Up and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0.
Teacher: If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left ?
Pupil: None, they were all copycats!
Boy: Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please?
Dad: What? Don't tell me they still haven’t found it, I remember looking for it when I was your age!
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mother? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Headteacher!"
After an incident at the goalmouth, the PE teacher who's refereeing takes one of the young players aside, and says to him, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nods his head meekly.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win TOGETHER as a TEAM?"
The little boy nods again.
"So," the teacher continues, "when a goal is disallowed, or when you're called offside, or even when you're given a caution, you don't argue, or blame other players, or physically attack the referee. You understand all that?"
Again the little boy nods.
"Good," says the teacher, "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.
Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner.
A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded, "Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?"
 IT’S THE BEST MEDICINE…
- Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm covered in gold paint.
- Don't worry, it's only a gilt complex!
- Doctor, Doctor, whenever I drink coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my eye.
- Have you tried removing the teaspoon from the cup?
- Doctor, Doctor my hair keeps falling out, can you give me anything for it?
- Yes, here's a paper bag !
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- Doctor, Doctor I'm feeling dreadfully lethargic in the mornings...
- As soon as you get out of bed climb on top of the wardrobe.
- Will that cure me?
- I don't know, but it will increase your potential energy! |
- Doctor, Doctor, I've developed centrifugal alchemy.
- I think you're just swinging the lead.
Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, congratulations on your PhD.
If your nose runs and your feet smell, you're built upside down!'
Q. What do you call an opera singer who doesn't actually do anything?
A. Placebo Domingo
A surgeon is doing an operation. He's about to finish when, surprisingly, the patient wakes, sits up, and demands to know what's going on.
"I'm about to close," says the surgeon.
The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that. I'll close my own incision."
The surgeon hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."
A man walks into the doctor's surgery. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks.
"You're not eating properly!" the doctor replies
A young woman goes to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asks the doctor.
"I hurt all over", says the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "please be a little more specific."
The woman touches her right knee with her index finger and yells, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touches her left cheek and again yells, "Ouch! See, that hurts, too." Then she touches her right earlobe and cries "Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor checks her over thoughtfully for a moment and tells her his diagnosis. "You have a broken finger."
A man goes to the doctor and says ‘Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.’
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks, ‘Is it serious, doctor?’ and the doctor replies, ‘I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.’
Alternative punchline 1:
'It's okay, sir, I'll just apply a dressing!'
Alternative punchline 2:
"It’s OK, I can get you some cream for that".
A man had a problem getting up for work in the mornings and was frequently reprimanded for being late. It got so bad that he went to see a doctor who gave him a pill to take at bedtime. After taking the pill, the man slept soundly, woke up refreshed, had a leisurely breakfast and went in to work.
"Hi, I feel great," he told the boss, "I think all my timekeeping problems are a thing of the past."
"Fantastic," replied his boss, "but where were you yesterday?"
Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil until I get there
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!
Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
Ooh, that's baaaaaaaaaad.
Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in aluminium foil that's been heated several times in the oven. What's wrong with me?
Doctor: You have far too much free time.
I went to the doctors with a strawberry on my head - he said you'll be alright I've got some cream for that.
I said to the doctor I've got trouble with my eyes, he said what job do you do, I said I'm a teacher, he said it'll be your pupils then!
I said to the doctor I feel a bit depressed, she said I'll refer you to the cheeropodist then!
Man: Doctor, Doctor – is it true you can get pills to help you improve your memory?
Doctor: Yes, it is. How many would you like?
Man: How many what?
I hear E.T.’s not very well.
Why, what's wrong?
He's got heart trouble.
What is it?
He’s extra-cholesterol.
A fellow accidentally ingested some alpha-L-glucose and discovered he had no ill effects. Apparently he was ambidextrose.
A man went to the doctor because he didn't feel well. "What do you eat?" asked the doctor. "For breakfast I have a couple of red snooker balls, and at lunchtime I grab a black, a pink and two yellows. I have a brown with my tea in the afternoon, and then a blue and another pink for dinner."
"I know why you are not feeling well," exclaimed the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."
 GET YOUR HEAD EXAMINED!
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Really? Do you want to come and see my collection? I've got thousands of them.
Two elderly couples are enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asks the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replies, "They taught me all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association – it’s made a huge difference."
"Wow, that's great!” says his friend, “What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred goes blank. He thinks and thinks but can’t remember. Then a smile breaks out across his face and he asks, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turns to his wife. . . "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Two psychiatrists meet at a professional seminar. They both do a double-take as they realise they trained together, many years previously.
But while one has remained incredibly youthful, the other looks like an old man...
"I don't know, Mike," says the elderly looking one, "Listening to people's problems day in, day out. It's put ten years on me..."
His former classmate is confused. "Who listens?"
Man: ‘Doctor, you’ve got to help me, I’m really stressed at work and I keep flying off the handle with people…"
Psychologist: ‘Well take a seat, and tell me what the problem is…"
Man: ‘I JUST ******* DID THAT, YOU STUPID ******* *******!!!
The trainee psychologists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the lecturer to the student, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
And the opposite of depression?" he asked another student.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said, "how about the opposite of woe?"
To which the student replied, "Em... giddy-up?"
We eavesdrop on the happy final session of a psychoanalyst and his client...
"Mr Bigglesworth" the analyst says, "I don't think you need to have any more sessions with me..."
"Does that mean I'm cured?" his client asks.
"For all practical purposes, yes," she replies, "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from."
"Well, that's great news, doctor!" he says, "I tell you, my sessions here have turned my life around. Is there anything I can do to repay you for helping me?"
"You've paid my fee," she answers. "That's the only responsibility you have."
"I know, but isn't there some personal favour I could do for you?"
"Well ..." the analyst says, "Here's a thought. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable colour television."
Doctor doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth.
Actually I'm a GP, and I think you need a psychiatrist.
Oh, I know that, but I saw your light was on.
Doctor, doctor, please help me, I feel really ugly,
Just lie on the couch. Face down.
Go back
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